At age 44, I am gripping, this writing implement to express my mingled feelings of anguish ,dismay and apprehension.
Prior to age 30, given I had neither fallen into erratic delinquent ways , nor had I made much headway so that all turn of events had been a prelude. I had not gotten beyond a low level ordinary monk.
My average intelligence is compensated by the incarnation of a tenacious temperament and a generous fury of stern resolve. Regrettably , I never encountered any proper karmic opportunities to challenge or make use of my innate attributes.

Lunar year 38, I turned 30 . At this junction in time I decided to go forth on the Right Path. Unfortunately , China was under political turmoil and social unrest, and Buddhism was being persecuted. I tasted the bitterness of a refugee in exile, which was exacerbated by poor health and a frail body. That summer, a colleague and I , the Venerable Yen Pei , fled from Xiamen to Hong Kong, a short stayed at Nan Tien Suk, and then later, took a two years residence at Deer Park Monastery. ( Ven. Yen Pei did not ). Aside from obliging the requests for monastic tangential chores , most of the time were spent in reading writing and writing poetry, often well into the night.

Lunar year 40 summer. Physical weaknesses precipitated hemorrhoidal disease which required four surgical procedures and more than six months stay in the hospital. In that same winter Ven.Yen Pei and I persuaded the authorities of Deer Park to create a facility for a small study unit where Venerable Yin Shun could lecture. This is to tell of the nascent emergence of what later became the Pure karma Monastery . I stayed here for two years in which time I endeavored, and was exposed to, and received a deeper understanding and general knowledge in Right Dharma, for that, I am full of thankfullness to Ven. Yin Shun and the largesse of Deer Park monastery.

Lunar year 42; Ven. Zu Min came to Taiwan to be under the auspices of Ven. Yin Shun. He published the Hai Zhoa Yin magazine. I learned to teach. Fu Yen Institute was inaugurated in the fall. I resided in Ning Run Monastery but never missed any of Ven. Yin Shun’s lecture at Fu Yen. His tutelage and benevolence empowered me with precious revelatory insights in to the multiplicity, depth and breadth of Buddhism. It became clear that in order to excel, one must possess intense focus and veritable diligence.

Year 44, I took up residency at Fu Yen, here, I listened and read incessantly, endowed with deep Dharma. This was a very poignant and instructive period for me where I developed and grounded my philosophy in spirit and discipline. This was the time when I learned how to use my entire potential in my study and practice of Buddhism.

Year45; Ven. Yin Shun , had a leave of absence due to rehabilitation for lung disease.
I also contracted ailments; my prognosis was to have confined rests and so I retreated to a hermitage in the enclave of Southern Bi Mt.
While convalescing , I studied the many important collection on the vinaya, the structure and meaning of monastic codes in tandem with the moral work of edifying nature and its relation to the resilience and integration with compassion.
I deeply felt the precedence of vinaya, for it is the governing protean truth and promethean energy, which resonates together thereby sustaining the prosperous survival and harmonizing the sangha community, keeping it in concord ; as attested to in ancient Central India, especially in North Kassape area, exemplary of the time when Buddhism flourished in its pinnacle.

Year 46 ; plagued by abnormal growth in my abdomen; ended recluseship to undergo several surgical operations. Eager to resume study, I returned to recluse before full recovery; read omnivorously.
To actualize and ensue the idea of dedicating time exclusively to studying, I burned all of my life’s work of poetry. Ven Zu Min reprimanded me as, “impulsive, impetuous”, I deflected with a smile. Impatience is my weakness as well as my forte in getting things done promptly. It is an all important asset which serves as a predilection to determination, expediency, persistence and defiance to overcome obstacles under all circumstances and exigencies in life and to triumph over hardihood. To join the aspirations of such Hall mark nobles, a little impatience is necessary impetus.

Year 48 ; left Bi Shan, return to “ Nin Run Buddhist College” to teach. Soon to depart again to East Mt Monastery. Reclused to study mainly Theravada vinaya, subordinately reviewing the Mahayana . The vinaya is meticulously structured and its phenomenological approach thoroughly covered many basic areas in Buddhism, much needed for the period of time . The distinct characteristic of vinaya is that it uses vinaya to explain vinaya . Some Theras vindicated that vinaya was authentically expounded by Buddha, but a closer look explained a different latitude. Most of the content were drawn from each of their own experiences and praiseworthy efforts, peremptory views and absorbing confidence; however, they self appoint to speak for the glory of Buddha, satisfying those who have no more high or long reasoning than themselves.
Later eminent Theras of celebrated heritage, when constituting vinaya, used the Pitaka for reference; including Nagarjuna,Sakya and Asanga,Vasubandha, thus safeguarding enumerable commendations.
The prevalent Buddhist circle of influence in China paid little attention to Theravada and the epistemology of Buddhism, as a result, tacitly limiting the fluid transmission of Dharma.

Year49; just as my reading was getting profitable, I was again afflicted with sickness , which compelled me to leave recluse for curative treatment of surgery and radiation, crashing down six months in a blink. Since the time I came to Taiwan from Hong Kong, I had undergone a total of ten major and minor surgical procedures, averaging once every year. It was amazing how my veteran feeble body ,anemic with a history of medical problems could survive this sort of physical abuse.
Aside from the blessings of the triple gem and support from friends and patrons, I credited myself for the indomitable courage and unrelenting strength of mind to combat morbidness and not be incapacitated by it.

From year 50 to present: I experienced dramatic changes both physically and mentally; my energy level is more vital and potent than a few years ago; my intellectual acumen more sharp and lucid. Therefore , I am convinced that my life is rejuvenated with boundless splendour and strength . If I could reciprocate this dynamic power with Dharma consciousness, my inner energy :Aequanimitas, would stand to gain.. These years, I have already offered my entire being to the Dharma. Dharma is indissolubly bounded to body and mind and therefore will come through, transcend the body and mind. Regardless of how far I am away from attainment, as long as I secure : assurance in body, undeluded in mind and faith in commitment and purpose, attainment will be in the making and I will eventually be part of it. This is also a requisite attitude for all sangha, to ascend the innermost energy in perpetuity, striving to be equal to the pure abode ,this is also my imminent quest and need.

Assaying my view on life: the more life energy conserved, the more is to be expected of it. The force of life ,posterity, is transcended from the cumulative merits and blessedness of the Noble Eightfold Path, this energy releases and unfolds liberation from which flows the spirit that restore peace and serenity to humanity.
Existence, life without or lacking in exuberance, fervor and exalting grandeur, is regretful. That recognition and acknowledgement would serve as an incentive and it would stimulate one to persevere in learning , working and redeeming oneself.

These three decrees, learning , industry and introspection and repentance presuppose a stream enterer to Dharma learning, and cultivates in one a robust and complete Bodhi root and nature .
I always abide in the koan of Ven.Tze Yin : the deeper one learns; the deeper one penetrates ; if I do not quickly amend my basic intellectual insufficiencies with hard learning, industry and repentance,I would not be worthy of any contribution to China Buddhism. Hence, I clenched onto these three platforms with burning intensity and rigor.
My desideratum: if I manage to successfully prevail on these three practices: learning, industry and repentance, I can prevail in every thing else. The anticipatory aim of hard learning and industry is for me to sustain innermost equilibrium: that my repose , imperturbable, solid as the earth; my steps , invincible as the mountain. Then I can truly implement Dharma task .

Actually both Theravadas and Mahayanas place importance in learning, the Theras emphasized more on renunciation and attainment.; Mahayanas, are emphatic in the realization in compassion and enlightened wisdom and learning. I know best how I am placed , my intrinsic abilities are rather deficient in all these qualities, except ,I have a very strong desire to learn, which well suits my purpose. But Mahayanas appeals for manifestation of wisdom compassion in form and use, which is difficult to ascertain, unless I demand the whole of my being, time and energy without any other contention. Thus, I made a vow last year, that to the best of my ability, at all times, in all extenuating situations, I will be the servant of highest learning, that my mind ,arresting the three ordinances, will be elucidating and perspicacious; that my heart, exhorting compassion will be gratuitously realized. As far as in me lay my goal in attaining a measure of equanimity and enlightenment. I take upon myself to witness my chosen path, that in my Dharma sojourn among you , may sentient beings be delivered, and life accounted for fortuitously.
To those who endeared themselves to me, I beg for your support and encouragement and engage me to go forth.
Lunar year 52 October